Finding Light in the Darkness

On Monday I got an email that kind of rocked my world... and not in a good way. It was from a friend who is a web-series talk show host. She is going to be interviewing a Mother who recently lost her 12yr old daughter (Brianna Canacari) to suicide. When I read the press on this story I immediately felt my stomach turn, as a Mom I was devastated. It also hit me hard, because at 17 I also tried to take my life. All the memories of my teen years came flooding back. I remembered the feelings of not being good enough, nobody understanding who I was, and the feeling that nobody cares. I remembered how I had planned my funeral and even how I wanted to be dressed in my casket, I had it all on paper. At the time I think I felt invisible and I wanted to matter... if I was gone, maybe people would finally notice I was overlooked. I wanted to be my own person, and finding out who I wanted to be, but still had to rely on my parents and follow the rules. Every emotion was so intense; I remember those days like it was yesterday. I am so thankful that I was unsuccessful in the attempt to take my life. I didn't really see death as permanent. I didn't think of the proms and graduations I'd miss... being a bride and now a parent. I couldn't at that time in my life fathom the joy of these experiences, and that's why they were so easy to dismiss in my times of depression.
In Brianna's story I read something that struck me. She had put a post on her Myspace page in March that said something like "suicide was the only way", and her mother deemed that as NOT a sign her child was asking for help. Granted she didn't know about the post till after her daughter's death... but how could she not see that as a sign? Brianna's Mom seemed to be a bubbly and positive woman that worked hard and loved her family. If her child was looking for help, she seemed like to type to run to her rescue... so how did she miss this?
Then, I started to look at my own life and how I am living so much for myself right now... could I have missed it? I feel so wrapped up in how many miles I've run, or how I'm going to get dinner on the table before I have to go to a training session. I am constantly reminding myself to stay positive and focused... it's exhausting. And at the end of the day, when my daughter asks me to snuggle with her or read a story before bed, I admit... sometimes I've been too wrapped up emails, phone calls, and ME that I forget. My little angel is only 4 yrs old and full of forgiveness, but someday she'll notice that Mommy wasn't there, and Brianna's story helped me to remember that.

We as parents often envision this evil man lurking in the bushes waiting to take our children from us, so we prepare them for dealing with strangers. We make sure they say NO to drugs, but where is the awareness of suicide? We never think something like this could happen,but the truth is it happens more often than you think. Nationwide, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says suicide is the third leading cause of death for youth ages 10 to 24. About 4,500 youths are lost each year.
I have to be honest, at first I was not happy with the broad stage Brianna's mother was taking in sharing her daughter's death. Suicide is something that people don't talk about. People see suicide as shameful and if you're religious... an unforgivable sin. Then I realized how important it is that Brianna did not die in vein. I commend her mother for sharing her daughter's story. By doing this, she is raising awareness, and maybe another child's life will be saved. It's so important that we are a part of our children's lives (and not the other way around). We need to let them know they are never alone. They just want to be heard and we must be the ones to listen.
If you, or a loved one is having thoughts of suicide please seek help.
Safe2Tell at 877-542-SAFE (7233).
You never know if they're serious until it's too late.