Why Culinary school?
I cannot tell you what went on in my head during the my time on Worst Cooks in America because if I talk about what I was feeling, it could reveal things that are off limits right now. I can't talk about things because I signed a $750,000 non disclosure agreement that I am terrified to break! lol So, my close friends... like you Sophie cold never understand where I am in my life right now. I've had a ton of time to process what I went through and I'm still doing that. Now that the show is about to come out all kinds of pent up and almost forgotten feelings are coming back. It's been intense and scary to think about what is going to be shown. I am about to be judged by every person that sees the show and I’m preparing for that. There are already people that don't like me, and I have to tell you... I don't care:) Where I was while filming the show is a whole other story:) This experience not only taught me culinary skills, it pushed me to my limits mentally and emotionally. I am a stronger person because of it. I am definitely a different person because of it.
All my life I've kind of liked that I didn't know how to cook. I never had to cook and I thought I was getting away with something. But, as time passed I started gaining weight and I was realizing all the bad habits I was passing to Lala and Gabe. That is when I realized that I needed to do something. So when I saw the posting for auditions on craigslist I thought... ha, that could work. And that's it. I went in for 2 in person auditions and then a few months later BAM, you're going to NY to learn to cook! Haha, I was like WOW, what the hell am I getting myself in to! I arrived in NYC and got in a cab, and as I went through the city couldn't believe that this was really happening. People don't get to do things like this, even people that LIVE to cook don't get to go to NYC and get to train with some of the top chefs in the nation. Right then is when I knew this was going to change my life.
When the show started I wanted to be the best. I am super competitive, but after a while I realized this show wasn't about that... haha because nobody was the best! So it was really hard for me to get over that. When I got home, I was like... OMG, did this really happen? I started regreting so many things, and wishing that I could do it all over again.
Once I got home and started cooking, it was like a fire was lit inside me. Food tasted different, haha or maybe I should say I actually tasted it! I wasn't eating because I was bored or because I had a bad day, I was eating because I wanted to experience the flavors and smells and practice my cuts and keep all that I learned fresh in my head! I had a new relationship with food! I couldn't get enough of it. I am to the point where I can't wait for 3pm, because I want to get started! I stated using fresh herbs and experimenting, it was so much fun!
Then I started losing weight. This was insane to me. I was actually doing what I said I wanted to do! So I went in to see my Dr and talked about calories and what I could do to get healthier. Then I met Jamie in Sept and started working out! From there it just was like a title wave! 34 lbs later I like how I feel and how I've got here. I don't want it to ever end. This is my life now, I love to cook. I also really want to help other people see that cooking can be easy.
I am an artist first and foremost! I love to act, and I LOVE to write, paint, sculpt and draw. I don't care what my canvas is, I don't care what my tools are, or what medium I have to work with, I love it all. I have passion for creation and expression. I think that's also why this career makes so much sense to me.
Finally, there is a personal reason why I want to pursue this as a career... and that's because of my Aunt Helen Hostettler. Helen was my friend, confidant, and teacher. All my life I have been compared to her, and told that I remind people of her. We're both sassy, ambitious and lovers of art. When I was little, Helen gave my parents money for me to go to art class, she saw a drawing I made as a kid and wanted me to stick with it. I didn't until years later when I moved to CA. When I got there she encouraged me to get back in to it and I started to, slowly. I remember her critiques, she really looked at them and gave me feedback.
I laugh now, because at that time I didn't realize that she knew what she was talking about. I never saw Helen as an artist... untill I was on this show. I was talking to Chef Beau one day and I told him I was an artist... he said, "So am I". I looked at him and then it hit me. The plate was my canvas and the food was my paint, the knives were my brushes... OMG, this WAS art! The more and more I learned, the better I understood what i was learning. And the more and more I wished that I could hug my Aunt and tell her that I was sorry for ever doubting her creative eye!
Helen always wanted me to succeed, no matter how insane my idea... she would help me figure out how to go about obtaining what I wanted. Jan 2006, both my Uncle Bernie and Aunt Helen died in a car accident while driving to Las Vegas, NV. I was devastated at the time, but NOTHING could have prepared me for the longing I feel now. I wish I could tell her all the things that I have done and doing...
Helen was a cook. She traveled around Italy and learned how to make pasta. She started a business from her home, and sold it to local grocery stores. Soon the demand was so big that she was able to open a cafe type shop... and eventually she opened a factory! Helen became a self made millionaire by following her passion for pasta! She loved food, and became known for her confidence in the kitchen. Helen retired in the 90's because things got to big... she wanted to have her hand in the creation of her work from start to finish, and soon things just became too much and she sold her shop and closed the factory. She made her dream a reality, so she understood my passion... she was an artist too.
I cannot tell you how much I miss her, but when I cook... I feel here all around me. She's with me in the kitchen. I want be successful to honor her memory. Helen is a part of every meal. I can almost hear her telling me stop as I start getting out of control and too creative! haha... It might be all in my head, but even if it is... it's all I have left
Aunt Helen and Uncle Bernie Hostettler
XOXO
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